I felt guilty moving away from my parents—but finding the right lab helped me thrive

From ScienceMag:

One sunny spring afternoon, I was sitting on a bench outside work, crying on the phone to my parents after yet another panic attack. The happiness I once took from academia had disappeared, and all that remained was an overwhelming sense of guilt. I had left home to chase a dream overseas while my mum was dealing with a debilitating illness, but staying away for a job I did not enjoy was starting to feel unbearable. Then my parents asked me a question I had already begun to ask myself: “Do you think this career is still right for you?”

Leaving the United Kingdom to pursue a scientific career abroad was never part of my plan. But in 2019, I was offered an incredible opportunity to do a Ph.D. in Paris. I was elated—but very unsure about moving. My mum had been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS) several years previously, and daily life was becoming very challenging for her. I wasn’t sure I should leave, but with my parents’ encouragement, I took the plunge.

In France, I found a home away from home. I built friendships, learned a new language and grew in ways I never imagined. I genuinely loved my Ph.D.—even the tedious, mundane tasks that researchers often complain about. Most of all, I felt lucky to be part of an incredibly supportive group where people shared knowledge, celebrated everyone’s wins, and checked in on one another. I often felt sad about not being home, especially during difficult times, but the environment kept me steady. As long as I was doing well, I felt I was making my parents proud.

Things changed after I graduated. I naïvely thought my passion for research would sustain me anywhere. But when I started a postdoc at a new institute, I felt isolated. The lab culture was difficult to integrate into, and lab members barely communicated with me. There was no one I could talk to openly, and more than ever I felt the strain of being torn between two places.

As long as I was doing well, I felt I was making my parents proud.

• Georgina Kirby
• Georg August University of Göttingen

During this time, my mum’s MS had also gotten a lot worse. Each visit home felt like a lottery; I never knew how her health would be. Every time I left to return to France I was wracked with guilt. Why was I staying in a job where I felt invisible, when I could be home, helping out and being present? I started having daily panic attacks. My motivation evaporated, and my work suffered.

The call home with my parents that spring afternoon was a turning point. I realized I needed to focus on my mental health and figure out what I really wanted from my career. Luckily I could afford to take a break from academia and get some professional help. I was able to spend quality time with my parents to do chores, cook, talk, and enjoy their company. The break also helped me see that I did still want a scientific career—I missed the excitement of being in the lab. I just needed to find an environment in which I could thrive, not just survive.

I’m now working as a postdoc in Germany, where I’ve started to rebuild the same kind of supportive community I enjoyed during my Ph.D. I’ve made an effort to connect with others, whether over lunch or a quick coffee, or just by checking in. In doing so, I’ve rediscovered my passion for lab life. Working together is so much more fulfilling when colleagues look out for one another. You just never know what people are going through in their own lives.

It’s still hard being far away from home and my mum. I often wish I could be more physically present so I could ease my parents’ day-to-day burdens. But we’re all finding new ways to manage the distance. Knowing they are still cheering me on, from a distance, gives me comfort. I still carry the guilt. But I have purpose again, too, and that’s what keeps me going.

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