How I finally found my confidence as a scientist

From ScienceMag:

“How does one become so knowledgeable?” I asked myself while watching a renowned professor give a lecture to a large audience. I admired everything about her: the revolutionary discoveries she had made, her passionate tone of voice, the clarity of her explanations. My research seemed so trivial in comparison and my skills so limited. As a postdoc entering my fifth year, I knew I was expected to start applying for faculty positions. However, I felt far short of the level of competence and confidence needed to become a professor. “What will I do with my life?” I thought. “I will never be good enough for science.”

When I completed a doctoral program in mathematical biology, I wasn’t sure where I saw my career going. I considered working for banks or other companies. But satisfying my curiosity and thirst for knowledge as a postdoc seemed way more exciting than any other job could be.

There was something addictive about research. I could lie awake for hours trying to understand my results or thinking about how to perfect my figures or craft the perfect introduction for a paper. Mathematical biology enabled me to satisfy my broader curiosity, as the computational skills I was acquiring could be used to tackle problems spanning the natural and social sciences. So, after my first postdoc, I started a new one, and later, a third.

The problem was what to do afterward. When people would ask me, “What would you like to do next?” and I had no answer to give, I tried not to worry. But my peers all seemed certain they wanted to become professors one day. They seemed to find every scientific conversation fascinating. I liked talking about science, too, but I would often have preferred to talk about books, hiking, or traveling. They were convinced their research was going to make a difference in the world. My research was fun, but I doubted it could ever be useful. They asked sharp questions in seminars. I could not get rid of the feeling that I was just pretending.

It was only during my third postdoc that I experienced a change of mindset. It happened after I volunteered to co-lead a group of scientists writing a perspective piece about what future research was needed in our field. After reading the first draft, the senior investigators on the team commented that, although the piece still needed some significant changes, it was suitable for submission to a high-impact journal.

Maybe I needed to value my own skills and expertise a little more highly?

• Maria Martignoni
• Georgia Institute of Technology

Up to then, I had focused on publishing in discipline-specific journals. So I replied skeptically, saying that although I appreciated their optimism, such journals were out of my reach. They insisted we could do it. “We will follow your lead,” they said.

This statement awakened something in me. Clearly, they saw me as knowledgeable and competent, and as someone with important things to say. Maybe I needed to value my own skills and expertise a little more highly?

I decided to do my best to improve the article—spending more than a year reading dozens of papers, leading group discussions, and editing the article. The process was long and tedious, and we’re still not sure where it’ll be published. But the more time I dedicated to it, the more knowledgeable I felt, and the more my confidence grew.

Leading the writing of that article made me realize I have become an expert in my field. I now know I can make a difference in science, and I finally feel it is the right path for me. I’m grateful my mentors never stopped believing in me and allowed me to stick around long enough to gain confidence in my abilities. Now, I feel ready to apply for tenure-track positions.

When students ask me for advice, I tell them that one does not need to have a clear life plan to belong in science. Many scientists know from the start that they want to be academic researchers. But for others the path unfolds gradually, with spurts of doubt and uncertainty along the way. In a way, that’s fitting. As researchers we are explorers, and part of our mission involves finding our way without always knowing where we are going.

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