How an ADHD diagnosis at 42 helped me get my career back on track

From ScienceMag:

Sitting in the seminar I realized I was holding myself still. Upright, contained. I needed to move, even just a little bit. In the past I would have resisted the urge, but now I was empowered with some life-changing knowledge: At the age of 42, I had just been diagnosed with attention-deficit/ hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Keeping still in settings where that’s the social norm was one of many masks I’d worn for years—and as I shifted in my seat, it felt good to remove it.

I didn’t know much about ADHD until a few years ago. I’d held the common misconception that ADHD was about fidgety, naughty children who didn’t do very well at school. But I loved learning and had never really struggled to apply myself. Nor had I been badly behaved or hyperactive.

I had, however, always had an overactive brain. I experienced a constant and rapid stream of thoughts, exasperating my mother, who was often telling me to “switch that brain off.” I was also a chronic daydreamer and very emotionally sensitive. This internalized energy had nowhere to go, so it manifested as anxiety. I didn’t know it then, but these symptoms are hallmarks of ADHD in women and girls.

It wasn’t until an ill-fated attempt at a Ph.D., where I was bullied by a colleague, that the anxiety became problematic. I was unable to finish the work, so wrote it up as a master’s. Emotionally devastated, I ran as far away from academia as I could, spending years in various roles in the civil service. I was also misdiagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder.

My diagnosis was transformative—but it brought bitter regrets.

• Nina Ockendon-Powell
• University of Bristol

Yet my love of science didn’t go away. I eventually went back to complete my Ph.D. in a topic I felt passionate about, in a highly supportive group, and then pursued a research career. It wasn’t a smooth path: On some days I’d be focused and confident, whereas on others adrenaline and emotion derailed my productivity. This roller coaster ride of anxiety left me struggling to believe I would make it as an independent academic. By my early 40s, I was feeling more overwhelmed than ever: Not only did I have a career to worry about, but I was now also the primary caregiver for two small children.

One day, my mother told me about a friend’s child who was an adult with ADHD. They sounded a lot like me, she said. Within the year, I received an official diagnosis.

My diagnosis was transformative—but it brought bitter regrets. I grieved for the life and career that could have been had my ADHD been detected earlier. I might have coped better with the negative first Ph.D. experience, for instance, and continued my studies in a related field rather than leaving academia—a decision that still affects how I am assessed in grant and job applications. And if I had understood the cause of my anxiety, I could have started the right treatment to manage it.

But I also came to understand how ADHD has given me unique strengths. I used to criticize myself for not being great at any one thing, but I’ve since realized my diverse abilities and creativity make me an innovative interdisciplinary thinker, which is a huge benefit in academia. I also realized that my emotional intelligence, intuition, and infectious energy make me a good leader, while my tendency to become intensely absorbed in interesting activities means I work well to grant deadlines. And I saw how I’d had to work harder than neurotypical peers to get to the same level, giving me a resilience that now keeps me committed to achieving my goals.

I was initially worried about divulging my diagnosis to my colleagues—but I’ve found that most people have been supportive and understanding. I’m lucky my peers talk openly about neurodiversity. That’s not always the case: Academia can be very traditional and dogmatic, and it’s important we create a culture where everyone feels they belong.

A year into my ADHD diagnosis, I’ve established daily well-being habits including exercise, mindfulness, and a good diet, and I’m taking medication. Thanks to these, combined with my ADHD superpowers of hyperfocus and creatively connecting ideas, I’m now making strides in my career—and finally beginning to believe I have what it takes to succeed in science.

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